I went to a movie this weekend. Now, that may seem fairly mundane, but I usually don’t do so..because the relentless inanity of today’s entertainment pisses me off. Guess you could call me a bit of a hermit.
But this one was so uniquely ridiculous that I had to review it. I hope you’re sitting down.
I went to see “Warm Bodies” last night. It was a late night at the end of a long week, so maybe I wasn’t exactly in a giving mood. I pretty much never am. I didn’t really have high expectations, but this film managed to be disappointing anyway. Allow me to set the scene: zombie boy (who goes by the letter R, but for the sake of this review will be known as Deadward Cullen) is having emotional issues, because, you see, he’s..well…dead. In an annoyingly nasal and cringe-inducing intro voiceover, he says “why can’t I connect with people? Oh right, ‘cuz I’m dead.” That is a problem, son. Anyway Deadward and his pals decide to raid a human outpost (there’s still humans. The zombie apocalypse had happened, but the human race was preserved. More on that later.) When he gets there, he sees (and falls for) the lovely Julie, who he first sees as he’s about to snack on her boyfriend Perry. She appears (I can’t even write this with a straight face) by sliding around the corner of a counter, jaw clenched, hair flying, and pump shotgun (yay technology!) raised. However, when she looks into Deadward’s beautiful, rotting eyes, she just can’t do it. He then kills Perry and eats his brain, thus aquiring his memories, and love/lust for Julie.
I don’t know about y’all, but when I watch movies, I like to compare what happens with what I would do in the same situation. Would I waste a perfect knee slide, clear shot at a zombie at point-blank range, and a great shot of my awesome blonde hair flying behind me because a dude fluttered his eyelashes? NO. Especially if I slid on my bad knee. That shit’d hurt for a week. But of course then we wouldn’t have a movie, would we?
After the boyfriend incident, Deadward saves Julie from the other zombies and takes her back to his lair, a plane he has tastefully decorated with more useless vintage frippery than a 25th anniversary edition of Hoarders. He offers Julie a bottle of corona and plays some vinyl for her (it must be fate), and she decides he can’t be ALL bad. I just have to say that when the highlight of the story is when Guns N’ Roses starts playing, things have gotten a bit grim..and it’s gonna take more than a little Patience to make this zombie lovestory work.
As the story progresses, we learn that the ‘cure’ for zombie-ism is….waaaaaait for iiiiiiit….LOVE. And Deadward starts to become, like, totally human. And him and Julie are, like, SO PERFECT for each other. But there are some issues: first, Julie’s dad (played, oddly enough, by John Malkovich) pretty much singlehandedly instigated the evacuations that saved the remaining human population from being infected with the zombie virus. He doesn’t like zombies. Duh. But Julie decides he has to see her new boytoy so he can see a cure is possible. Second, there is also a group of individuals known as ‘bonies’ (presumably because they look like skeletons) that will eat anything with a heartbeat..which the cured zombies acquire. Since this IS a zombie movie, there has to be something that can be brutally killed without remorse of any kind, right? There you go.
90 incredibly boring minutes later, bonies are killed, zombies are cured, Deadward and Bella (woops, I mean Julie) suck face, and the credits roll. LOVE. EXPLOSIONS. GUNS. VICTORY. ROCK MUSIC. AMERICA.
My favorite part of the entire thing is when Marcus, the only other zombie that gets significant screen time, looks at the screen and delivers the funniest line in the movie: